As a country North Korea doesn’t exactly have a reputation for being easy to deal with, thanks mostly to the fact it has been under the control of the same family of egotistical dickholes for the past several decades. Throughout history, the rogue state has refused to bend to the will of virtually any foreign power, except for that time the US wanted to cut down a tree.
More specifically, the US wanted to cut down a small tree in the Korean DMZ that was apparently blocking the view of members of the United Nations in 1976. Thinking the North Koreans wouldn’t really give a shit about a tree, 12 men consisting of both US and South Korean military personal led by Captain Arthur Bonifas drove towards it and began to trim some of the more bushy branches with axes.
About 10 minutes after trimming began, a platoon of North Korean troops arrived led by a man identified only as Lieutenant Pak Chu. Chu told the group to stop what they were doing because the tree personally belonged to Kim Il-Sung and he’d probably be really made if they damaged it. Captain Bonifas shrugged and then turned his back on Chu before ordering his men to continue trimming the tree.
Chu, frustrated with being told where to stick it, repeated his order in a firmer tone of voice while yet more North Korean soldiers arrived, Captain Bonifas once again gave the Lieutenant a bored look before turning his attention back to the job at hand. Chu, furious about being ignored by the most ice-cold motherfucker in the DMZ, gave his men the order to attack before quickly sucker-punching Bonifas in the back of the head. In the ensuing melee both Bonifas and an American Lieutenant called Mark Barret were beaten to death.
As you can expect, the American military wanted to retaliate for this dickless act of wanton aggression but decided against it due to the fear that it would simply cause North Korea to bomb the shit out of South Korea with the 10,000 rocket launchers they had lined up along the border. Instead, after much deliberation President Gerald Ford gave the order to go back to the DMZ and cut the tree down with every piece of military hardware they could find to show the North Koreans not to fuck with them ever again, dubbing it, Operation Paul Bunyan. You know, after that giant tree punching lumberjack.
At 7AM local time on August 21st, 16 military engineers armed with chainsaws strolled into the DMZ directly towards the tree intent on murdering it. Backing the engineers up were 2 entire platoons of infantry, half a dozen Cobra attack helicopters, 20 regular helicopters and a dozen combat vehicles armed with high caliber machine guns. The South Korean military, who never turn down a chance to have a dick measuring contest with the North, supported the US by also sending along 64 Special Forces commandos armed with grenade launchers. To really fuck with North Korea, some of these commandos strapped claymore mines to their chests and stood facing the North Koreans while their teammates did sick Tae Kwon Do moves in the background.
But we’re not done yet, because supporting the 800 or so men who went to actually cut down the tree were thousands of additional soldiers stationed along the border of the DMZ armed with missile launchers. As well as this, the US also brought in a fucking B-52 bomber which they had fly just low enough overhead for the North Korean’s to see while a dozen or so jet fighters flew around it. The American’s even went as far as calling a nearby aircraft carrier and making it wait just off shore with its guns pointed towards the DMZ. To reiterate that they were just there to cut down the tree, shortly after the mission began and nearly a thousand men walked into the DMZ, a message was sent to North Korea explaining that a small work party had been dispatched to “peacefully finish the work left unfinished“.
The flabbergasted North Korean military, who could, quite hilariously, be heard losing their shit over the radio trying to figure out what was going on, sent out 200 men and a few machine guns to stand and watch as the combined might of the US military cut down a single tree before retreating. Just to be annoying, the US military purposely left behind a big ugly stump to annoy the North Koreans, knowing that they wouldn’t dare venture into the DMZ to cut it all the way down after seeing what they’d just done.
But here’s the best part, a few days after this overwhelming show of military firepower, the Kim-Il Sung sent a sheepish apology to the US taking responsibility for the deaths, swearing that they’d never attack anyone again, you know, until the next time.
–
