Apparently People Can’t Stop Arguing About the Size of Superman’s Wang

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As we’ve discussed before, one of the hardest parts about having to physically portray Superman is that it requires an almost ungodly amount of effort just to attain a physique that is even close to the one the Man of Steel has in the comics. Apparently though there’s another, more hilarious aspect of portraying the Last Son of Krypton that nobody ever talks about, by which we mean, there’s a big argument about exactly how big your dick should look.

You see, whenever they make a live-action Superman TV show or film, because the actor playing Superman generally has to wear a skin tight costume that leaves very little to the imagination, the person who designs that costume invariably has to plan for how they’re going to stop everyone from seeing the actor’s dick as it’s being strangled by Lycra.

confront it
Sometimes you just have to confront it.

Usually this involves sewing a codpiece into the costume, but this in itself leads to another problem, exactly how big should that codpiece be? This isn’t us being facetious just for the sake of it, this is genuinely a question producers have argued about before. For example, when they were designing Christopher Reeve’s costume for the 1978 Superman movie, an argument broke out between the producers, Alexander and Ilya Salkind and costume designer, Yvonne Blake about whether or not they should give Superman a comically huge schlong. On one hand the producers felt that Superman would of course have a similarly super-sized penis that presumably fired lasers, on the other, the costume designer felt that even if he had a humongous, earth-shattering penis, Superman would still be modest enough to cover it.

Apparently, while the Alexaner and Ilya were insistent that Superman should have a gargantuan, throbbing dick bulge, while Yvonne Blake tried her damnedest to argue that Reeve would be better off wearing a codpiece that flattened his genital instead of accentuating them to colossal proportions because nobody really wants to see spend an entire movie staring directly at the lead actors swollen, bulbous genitals.

Unless it's David Bowie
Unless it’s David Bowie.

In the end, sense prevailed and the costume designer settled on a compromise that neither glorified Superman’s dick or hid it away, instead opting for a solid metal codpiece that gave Superman a modest, acceptable dick bulge that didn’t steal the show or make women in the audience feel sorry for Lois Lane. If you don’t think that’s hilarious enough, apparently the actress who played Lois Lane, Margot Kidder, would sometimes flick Reeve’s dick area just to hear it make a distinctive metal thud whenever he was in costume.

Pictured: A respectable dick bulge.
We always wondered how he earned the name “Man of Steel”.

Amazingly though, this isn’t the only time this has happened. When Brandon Routh was brought on to replace Reeve in Superman Returns, how big Superman’s dick should look on screen was the most controversial aspect of the entire fucking costume, with some poor sap apparently spending an entire month making different codpieces to try and find the perfect shape. As with before, the crew opted to give Superman a reasonably sized dick that would still cause a considerable amount of drag as he was flying through the air, but wasn’t quite big enough that he risked slapping birds out of the sky with it when he turned too quickly.

Pictured: A respectable dick bulge.
Pictured: A respectable dick bulge by Hollywood’s standards.

So the next time you feel like shitting all over the Man of Steel movie, just remember that Zack Snyder probably spent at least one day discussing how big he thought Superman’s penis should be.

If you’d like to read another article about Superman that doesn’t focus so much on his penis, why not read our article about how Superman’s disguise is actually pretty ingenious