The Hilarious Way The Normans Won The Battle of Hastings

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The Battle of Hastings was a battle between the English and Normans in 1066 that ended in the death of King Harold II, we’re not here to talk about that today though.  Today we’re here to talk about how the Normans fooled the English into chasing them down a big hill, twice.

Now according to historians, the battle actually favoured the English forces when it began, mainly due to a combination of the English controlling the high ground harder than Obi Wan and neglecting to bring any archers with them. Now in an ordinary battle from that period, not bringing any archers would have been considered a pretty stupid move, even with the whole “controlling the high ground thing”.

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However in this very specific case not having any archers actually helped the English because it meant that Norman archers couldn’t pick up and make use of any stray arrows fired at them.

To make matters worse, the Normans couldn’t even pick up and re-use their own arrows because the English controlled and were assembled atop a big-ass hill, so any arrows that didn’t shatter against the wall of English shields, harmlessly blew away when the wind caught them. On top of that, when the Normans eventually ran out of arrows and decided to try and bum rush the English in a last ditch effort to tip the odds in their favour, the English pelted them with rocks while laughing their asses off.

Rocks, nature's arrow.
Rocks: nature’s arrow.

In short, things looked pretty bleak for the Normans, but they weren’t beaten just yet because they had a secret move up their sleeves called, running away. Again in most battles, turning around mid-battle and exposing your supple buttocks to the enemy in an attempt to flee would have been a call for that enemy to go all Xerxes on your dickhole and pepper you with arrows. But remember, the English didn’t have any arrows or archers in this battle, so upon seeing the Normans fleeing in terror, the English, rather than calling it a day and celebrating an honest victory earned through superior tactics, decided to try and stab the fleeing Normans in the spine, because that’s what heroes do.

It’s recorded that as soon as soon as the English who broke rank to pursue the fleeing Normans got far enough away from their allies, the Normans suddenly stopped, surrounded their pursuers and then finished them off with a flurry of merciless face-stabs. All while their allies watched from the top of the hill, unable to fight back or help due to the aforementioned lack of projectile weaponry or some heavier rocks.

Now you could forgive the English for falling for this tactic once because we all make mistakes, but according to a priest called William of Poitiers, the guy who wrote one of the most detailed accounts of the battle we currently know of, the English fell for this trick, twice. Which means the Normans were able to convince the English that they were running away in fear twice in the same day and the English fell for it both times, even though the first time it happened every English soldier who gave chase ended up being stabbed to death. Wait, did the English honestly think the Normans tried running away, after they’d turned the battle around? Are English people really that full of themselves?

We guess we’ll never know because unsurprisingly, the Normans kicked the living piss out of the English that day, and as we all know, history is written by the victors, regardless of how many times they ran away.