That Time a Shaolin Monk Beat 8 Men Half to Death

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Telling the story of Tianyuan would likely take an entire lifetime, not because it’s long, but because you have to be able to do push-ups with your tongue to earn the right the speak his name out loud.

As mentioned in the image above, Tianyuan was a Shaolin monk who lived sometime in the 16th century. When pirates began ransacking China because they’re dicks and because it’s sort of their whole deal, the government decided to tap its single greatest and most dangerous natural resource to smash their dick holes into a fine paste, Shaolin monks.

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Though today Shaolin monks enjoy a reputation as peaceful, bald-headed, pajama wearing pansies who literally wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone punch someone’s kneecaps the fuck off. Back in 1550, monks could and would murder people using their lifetime of martial arts training just to prove a point. That point being, you don’t screw with a guy could uppercut  the balls off of a fly. 

However, the army the government raised wasn’t just comprised of Shaolin monks because an army that badass would cause a shockwave of testosterone to radiate around the Earth, blinding everyone when chest hair spontaneously sprouted on their eyeballs. This mean that when our hero, Tianyuan offered to take charge of the army the government raised to smash some pirate sack, some people didn’t take too kindly to his offer to be an even bigger badass than he already was. Offended at the thought of this, Tianyuan offered a total of 18 dissenters a chance to prove their mettle and take charge for themselves by fighting him. Of the 18 people Tianyuan called the 16th century Chinese equivalent of a pussy, only 8 took him up on the challenge.

Artist's representation of Tianyuan.
Artist’s representation of Tianyuan.

After a moment of hesitation and a brief exchange of “we’re so fucked” glances, the 8 men bum-rushed Tianyuan with swords which may have well been their own flaccid dicks. Tianyuan took one look at the paltry effort to introduce his rib cage to fresh air and casually tore a giant iron bar from a nearby gate and screamed the words “I am real Shaolin” before running towards the mob. The crowd then watched, presumably while all doing that thing where you close your eyes half way and nod in approval, as Tianyuan performed a 30 hit combo on each challenger. After a flurry of punishing dragon tail sweeps from his trusty iron bar, all 8 men were left half dead on the floor.

It’s worth noting that some rumors actually say that Tianyuan used his penis during the fight instead of an iron bar but this idea has been largely dismissed by historians who insist that neither the 8 men who attack Tianyuan or the three mountains in his immediate vicinity would have survived a single earth-shattering blow from his manhood. Upon seeing Tianyuan’s graceful, ego obliterating movements, the dissenters immediately surrendered and agreed that yes, the guy capable of ripping out a man’s liver with his eyebrows was probably a worthy leader.

Tianyuan went on to lead his army of unstoppable army of Shaolin badasses for several years, never once losing a battle, because come on, did you really expect any other result when you read this guys name?

The Shaolin Monastery: History, Religion, and the Chinese Martial Arts (Paperback)


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