The Fossilized Footprint Showing a man Faster Than Usain Bolt


If we were to ask you to name the fastest human being you’d probably either say Usain Bolt, or depending on much of a dick you feel like being, a person you hate in bed. However, when the subject of human beings who could pass for a descendent of Hermes himself comes up in conversation, people always seem to leave out a historical oddity known only, T8, which after reading this you’ll swear was his Terminator code name.

What we know about T8 is limited because all we really have to go on is a set of fossilized footprints in a shitty riverbed. From these though scientists have been able to discern two things:

  1. That T8 was almost certainly a a man based on the shape of his foot
  2. That he could run at speeds approaching 37 KPH based on the distance those footprints were apart and how slowly the person who discovered them mouthed the words “Holy shit” to themselves.
Actual scientific estimate of T8 in action.
Actual scientific estimate of T8 in action.

For the sports fans among you, you may have realized that this is about 5 KPH slower than Usain Bolt, which though impressive, still makes Bolt faster. However, scientists felt that Bolt has an unfair advantage in the fact his top speed was the result of years of training, specialised equipment and ideal conditions, whereas T8’s speed was likely recorded on a day when he wasn’t dying of dysentery that badly.

In order to make things fair for T8, factoring in training, actual shoes and not having to run on unforgiving, scorpion laced Australian mud, scientists have reasoned T8 could have easily reached a maximum speed of 45 KPH, 3 entire KPH faster than Bolt’s world record speed.

So if we ever perfect cloning, please don’t let the hype of Jurassic Park make you petition the government for dinosaurs, ask them instead to revive T8 and all his buddies, because come on, how awesome would an Australia dominated Olympics be?