This is Why Everyone Thinks Katanas Are Awesome


The katana is built with the specific purpose of cutting person’s shit as quickly and thoroughly as possible, ironically, the collective hard on the internet has for these Japanese swords is so large and rigid you could probably use it to cleave a man in two. So why were they the sword of choice for a discerning samurai?

Well the answer is they could be drawn and used to cut a guy’s testicles clean off in a single, fluid motion, a feat unmatched by other swords of the era. For example, long before people were waltzing around with katanas safely tucked into their belt, the tachi was the man-stabbing tool of choice for the discerning soldier or murderer.

Though similar to the katana in terms of appearance and cool factor, a tachi was worn in a wildly different fashion, usually behind a samurai’s back, just out of reach, making it difficult to grab and pose for paintings with. Meaning that most etchings and paintings of samurai warriors wielding tachi swords involve them staring off into the distance like a badass.


One of our servers froze solid with coolness because of this image.
One of our servers froze solid with coolness because of this image.

Though that image certainly makes a tachi look like the sort of thing you’d like slung around you back when you were being bum-rushed by a horde of peasants armed with tonfas and knives strapped to sticks, it was painfully slow to draw. As in, pulling it out and stabbing a guy in the face with it took several seconds, seconds a warrior absolutely couldn’t afford to spare in the heat of battle.

As such, when the katana and its handy carrying sash was introduced to the Japanese, they ate that right thing the hell up. Not only was the katana lighter, but it was worn tucked into a small sash with the cutting edge facing upwards, allowing a well-trained user to unsheathe and cut a bitch with the blade in an instant.

“Please stop uploading these, we can’t afford the anti-freeze any more.” – Our boss.

Something the tachi simply couldn’t do, regardless of how dope the user thought he was or how many YouTube videos of himself cutting things in half he uploaded to the internet.

In other words, people think the katana is awesome is because it’s purpose designed to be as awesome as possible. That said, we’d still prefer chainsaw.