Elon Musk Just Doesn’t Give a F**k


Every now and again while we’re researching facts to post we happen upon a piece of information about a celebrity or historical figure that makes us genuinely question whether scientists are correct about absolute zero being the coolest possible thing in the universe. Today for example, we found out that Elon Musk once bought James Bond’s car and decided that he, like so many other celebrities before him, needed an article on this site detailing all of the ways he’s proven that his fuck meter is perpetually empty. 

Musk is probably most notable for his company SpaceX, which was founded by Musk in 2002 with a single, long-term goal, travelling to other planets and rubbing our dicks all over them. To help achieve this lofty target, Musk has invested millions in the company in an effort to create reusable, low-cost rockets that will hopefully make it possible for ordinary people to travel to space and flip off every single person on Earth at the exact same time.

What few people realise though is that Musk’s original plan never involved building rockets. In fact, Musk initially approached several companies based in Russia hoping to buy a second-hand rocket that could be used to carry a payload to Mars. However, when Musk tried to speak to Russian big-wigs who could make such a deal happen in 2001, they spat on him and told him to go away because they had no idea who he was. When he came back again with a noted propulsion expert and a fat sack of cash in 2002 to try and buy three rockets, the same big-wigs took a fat puff on a cigar and made a counter-offer. Of one rocket for the cost he was willing to pay for three. Musk was so offended by the wildly inflated price offered to him that he walked out of the meeting and decided that he’d just fucking build the rockets himself. He founded SpaceX a few days later.

And now he gets to hang out with the President.
And now he gets to hang out with the President.

As the founder and big-dick CEO of SpaceX, Musk has used his power of veto to pretty much make sure his his company is telling someone, somewhere to suck it. For example, when the company began designing the spacesuits its pilots would wear, Musk added a stipulation that they had to look “badass“. When the time came to name the company’s first rocket, Musk settled on the name “Falcon“, after the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars because fuck Star Trek we guess. Similarly when Musk first told people that he wanted to ultimately colonise Mars, he was told that he “must be smoking something“, a jibe that in turn inspired him to name SpaceX’s second rocket, “Dragon” after the song, Puff the Magic Dragon. Which for those of you who haven’t seen Meet the Parents, is a commonly associated with doing a shit ton of drugs.

This is an actual poster someone working for SpaceX has on their wall.
This is an actual poster someone working for SpaceX has on their cubicle wall.

As for Musk’s other well-known business venture, Tesla Motors, Musk famously cut his own salary from being the highest amount paid to any CEO on Earth to one dollar, because fuck it. He also released all of Tesla’s patents and essentially gave them away for free in 2014 because he believed that expanding the electric car market was more important than making mad amounts of money.

As for the cars Tesla makes, they’re ranked amongst the safest money can buy, partially as a result of Musk’s insistence that his company’s car be superior in every way to gas-powered ones. In fact, the Tesla Model S is so safe that it literally broke the machines designed to test it and a person sitting inside one could reasonably expect to survive being hit by a truck being chased by Magneto. While it’s never been confirmed that Musk insisted on making the Tesla this safe was so that drivers could crash into more polluting cars with impunity and a middle finger raised, we’re going to assume that it was.

Speaking of cars, Musk also randomly bought James Bond’s submarine car from the film The Spy Who Loved Me on a whim in 2013 and became annoyed when he learned that it didn’t actually transform from a car into a submarine. Musk later vowed to the press that he’d give the prop to his engineers at Tesla to make it into a fully function submarine that could also do burnouts and donuts. Which probably isn’t the best idea considering Musk also once bought and then immediately crashed an uninsured million dollar supercar by trying to show off to his friend. Rather than bother going to the hospital, after crashing the car Musk called for a tow truck then hitched a ride to the meeting he was going to because he didn’t want to be late.

Pictured: How we assume all of Musk's meetings look.
Pictured: How we assume all of Musk’s meetings look. Him taunting a robot from behind robot-proof glass.

But by far the best example of how few fucks Musk gives is how matter-of-factly he discusses the idea of success, crediting his own to nothing more than the fact he worked “super hard”. Which is an understatement of such massive magnitude, we’re sure Musk could use its gravity as a propulsion system to launch rocks with insulting messages carved into them at passing Russian satellites.

For more technology related facts, why not read about how Jackass, yes that TV show where they kick each other in the dick hole for laughs, is one of the few groups of people out there to have made full use of 3D technology when making a movie.