The Roman Emperor Who Had a Penis-based Promotion System


As we’ve discussed before, the infamous Roman emperor Elagabalus was a, interesting individual known for doing things like catapulting snakes at his own people or spicing up dinner parties with a surprise leopard. One thing we didn’t get into though was the Emperor’s fondness for penises of the giant fuck off variety. So allow us to correct that unfortunate error by spending the next 500 words talking about how much Elagabalus loved himself some big swinging dicks.

A notorious figure in Roman history for his brutality and wanton sadism, though Elagabalus isn’t exactly as well known as say Caligula or Nero today, he was nonetheless a shithead of the absolute highest order. With historical accounts noting that the boy-emperor would randomly do things like flay people alive or have his slaves kick them to death, seemingly for no other reason than, fuck you, he could.

But lets be real here, articles exhaustively detailing depraved acts of wanton cruelty by Roman emperors aren’t particularly uncommon online so instead lets talk about the only thing Elagabalus appeared to enjoy more than turning people’s world to leopard. Pensis.

Now there’s not really any other way to say this so we’re just gonna say it, Elagabalus really, really liked that part of the male anatomy. In particular the forearm thick ones you could club a seal to death with. So much so that he made it known to any of his men that he’d offer a fittingly sizeable reward to anyone who brought him a slave with a fat dick.

Likewise, Elagabalus would routinely go to bathhouses for the express purpose of cruising for peen and even had one constructed in the Imperial Palace where the only requirement for entry was packing mad dong. Which probably has the more well endowed members of our community wondering, but why?

Well to put it simply, Elagabalus really liked getting dicked down by men who were hanging trou and since he was a moody teenage god-emperor with unlimited power, reach and influence there wasn’t really anyone who could stop him from indulging himself. Which naturally saw his tastes become ever more extreme as he sought to further enjoy the limits of his own debauchery.

For example, when he wasn’t getting railed in the Imperial Palace or torturing peasants, Elagabalus would stand naked in the windows of the Palace, inviting members of the public to fuck him. Offering to sweeten the deal with piles of gold or perhaps a senate position. You know, if you were packing. 

That last part isn’t a joke by the way as Elagabalus was known to promote men to his senate based solely on the size of their pole, which saw everything from a blacksmith to a cook sitting on his senate. Men who’d be tortured to death with red hot pokers when Elagabalus himself was stabbed to death on the shitter, meaning they very well may be the only men in history to have legitimately been killed for having too much dick.

As for what happened to men with the opposite problem, Elagabalus is known to have routinely had men with small dicks stripped naked, beaten with reeds and then summarily executed. A literal dick move and and a hypocritical one at that given that historical accounts note that Emperor Elaga-bottom had a pen-is likened to a pickled sprout, whatever the hell that means.

The worst part of this being that we can’t even call Elagabalus a dick for any of this because he’d probably kinda like that.