Dick Dastardly Was Robbed of a Legitimate Victory in Wacky Races


Dick Dastardly is probably one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time. Not only does he sport a moustache so sharp it could cut you in half before you’d ever be able finish appreciating how fine it is, but he arguably has the coolest car in cartoon history, he was also robbed of a totally legit win one time in an episode of Wacky Races.

The Mean Machine #00 was easily able to out pace every other car in Wacky Races to the point Dick could pull up for minutes at a time and set elaborate traps just to be a penis. When’s the last time you heard of a car that could go so much faster than the competition the driver could get out of his car and dick around with the track? The Double Zero also had a host of hidden weapons and it could even fly. Did you read that correctly, Dick Dastardly drove a car that could fly, Red Max drove a plane and the best he could do was leaping a few feet into the air before crashing, that’s how much cooler Dick Dastardly was. Suck it, Red Max.

Despite this, Dick Dastardly never once won a single Wacky Race, except for that time he totally did and the judges took it away from him. In an episode in which Dastardly decides, “screw this, I’m just going to show everyone I’m the boss” and drives for the win without trying to trap anyone or committing an act of domestic terrorism, his car clearly crosses the line first.

However, the judges, who like all cowards never show their face on screen, say he cheated and footage that is most definitely not the footage you were literally just shown is played, footage that shows him using an extendible nose cone to cross the line first. The judges consider this cheating and Dastardly is disqualified by default, we’d like to point out that there is another driver, Peter Perfect who drives a car with a 15 foot long nose cone and he wins like four times without any trouble.

Driving a dick shaped car
Then again, who could disqualify a dick shaped car?

Just to clarify, Dick Dastardly once won a race legitimately and had it robbed from him for no other reason than screw him. Which we think explains why Dick Dastardly always set traps when he was miles ahead and could have easily won without trying, he knew that the judges would never allow it and make up a reason for him to be disqualified, so he decided to do the next best thing. Make everyone else’s race as difficult as possible and make sure they were dragged over the line kicking and screaming.

Dick Dastardly at the Races