There’s Disney Merch at the Bottom of the Ocean


If you’ve spent any time whatsoever online you’re probably familiar with the issue of microplastics which, according to, like every study conducted to figure out how pervasive they are, can be found fucking everywhere. But here’s the thing, whilst everyone’s been worried about microplastics they forgot all about macroplastics which are also found everywhere. Like the literal bottom of the ocean.

First though, about those studies mentioned in the intro, experts on how fucked we are have found microplastics in everything from the lungs of newborn babies to the testicles of dogs. This isn’t even getting into how they’ve also been found in virtually every product we consume from bottled water to almost every kind of protein, yes, including burgers.

We never thought you’d betray us, hangover Big Mac.


On top of all this microplastics have been found buried in arctic snow like the creature from the Thing and, get this, the fucking sky! With researchers finding microplastics in the clouds above Mt Fuji, just chilling.

And we’ll admit, tiny, invisible bits of plastic floating around the blood of babies or the vitreous humour of our own eyes sounds, well, fucking terrifying but experts have warned people not to panic too much about all that. Not because it’s not dangerous, but because there are so many other things to worry about, like their bigger, badder cousin macroplastics. 

To be clear, that’s not a joke and macroplastics are exactly what they sound like, bigger bits of plastic debris that are similarly found virtually everywhere. We mean, not in your dog’s nutsack because it’s not like you cram a discarded traffic cone in there, but you know what mean.

For example, macroplastics from shit we as a species have unceremoniously dumped into the ocean have been found on every beach on Earth, including ones where no fucker lives. As in, they’ve gone to uninhabited islands, dug through the sand and found Pepsi bottles and shit.

Admittedly macroplastics as a term is sort of nebulous and includes any piece of plastic around an inch or more in size, but it also includes whole-ass items that were dumped wholesale into the ocean to make them Spongebob’s problem. Examples of stuff found range from entire fridges to helicopters, and being plastic, they largely just float there getting in the way.

But surely there are places on Earth plastics can’t get, right? Like what about the bottom of the ocean? A place so inhospitable everything short of a rock would be crushed by the hundreds of tons of pressure? Well, that’s what scientists figured when they sent cameras down to the Mariana trench to see what was going on and wouldn’t you know it, they found stuff there too. Not just stuff, stuff they recognised, like a Frozen branded party balloon. Which if we’re honest is far more visual an example of how fucked we are than a billion, plastic riddled dog-testicles, a balloon, a thing designed to float being found 7 miles below the surface of the ocean with the branding for a decade old movie still visible.

Or maybe Disney is just really good at branding. Who knows?