Minamoto no Tametomo is a legendary samurai from Japanese history best known for two things, being roughly the size of a fridge shaped bear, and that one time he sunk a boat, with a bow and arrow, by accident because he didn’t wanna pay no taxes.
Exactly how big or Minamoto no Tametomo was isn’t really clear, but most sources agree that he stood at least a full head over his peers and possessed a pair of arms sufficiently big and strong enough to backhand a small to medium sized giraffe across the mouth and slap it’s booty at almost the same time.
Tamemoto was so huge that he had to use a specially constructed bow that was several feet long and made from reinforced wood that fired similarly gigantic arrows because he simply couldn’t use a regular bow without snapping it in half. According to legend, five men could only just pull back the string on Tamemoto’s bow and even then they couldn’t nock an arrow or use it in any way that would be at all threatening. Tamemoto himself was also rumored to have one arm that was 6 inches longer than the other, which was the proposed explanation for how he drew back his bow so far. This obviously wasn’t true and the real reason Tamemoto could pull back his draw string so far was the same reason the Rock could in the Scorpion King movie, he was really fucking buff.
It’s said that during the Gempei era, Tamemoto grew bored with living with people and decided to exile himself to little island near Oshima (some, equally as awesome stories say he was actually banished). Since Tamemoto was the island’s only resident except some friendly squirrels and a couple of dickhead koi fish, he claimed the land for himself and declared that it was his private property. The Japanese government didn’t agree and sent the warrior archer a message demanding he pay his taxes, Tamemoto in response told the Government to come and get them. So they did. Or at least they tried.
A few days later Tamemoto awoke to see more than a dozen ships heading towards his little island. Unphased, he picked up his bow and an oversized, blunted arrow with a large iron bulb at the end of it. Using all of his strength, Tamemoto drew back the arrow and launched it towards the lead ship, intending it to be a warning shot that would show the government he meant business and perhaps almost smack into a . Instead the arrow crashed into the ship’s hull and immediately sunk it, causing the entire armada that had gathered to stop while they tried to process what the hell they’d just witnessed.
After a few hurried words between themselves that no doubt included at least a dozen variations on “did you see that shit?” and “wait, did he just sink one of our boats with an iron dildo?” the boats and men aboard decided that it probably wasn’t losing any more boats trying to collect taxes from a man who could punch holes in their hulls and torsos from 300 feet away and sailed away.
Tamemoto is now remembered as the only man in history to get away with not paying his taxes.
