The Chinese military hero who ended a battle with one arrow


Within the annals of Chinese military history the name Lu Bu is treated with equal amounts of respect and reverence. A giant-penised hero responsible for feats that are considered the stuff of legend today, perhaps one of Lu Bu’s most famous achievements is that time he ended a battle before it even began with a single, sniper-like arrow shot. 

The story goes that Lu Bu’s dick-hardening act of archery-based badassery occurred when he saw two high-ranking generals called Ji Ling and Liu Bei talking mad shit about one another. After listening to the generals bicker for several minutes and coming to the conclusion that the argument wasn’t going to end anytime soon, Lu Bu strolled over to the two men and proposed a rather, novel solution to their problem. An arrow.

Specifically Lu Bu instructed one of his men to stand a sharpened ji (a sort of polearm type weapon) several hundred feet away with the bladed end pointed toward their group. Once this had been done Lu Bu drew his bow, nocked an arrow and stood for a moment while the arguing generals stood slack-jawed wondering what the fuck was going on. After he was sure he had the attention of the generals Lu Bu bragged that he could hit the blade of the weapon with a single shot. Both generals were understandably incredulous that such a feat was even possible and urged Lu Bu to prove it. Exactly as Lu Bu predicted they would.

With each man curious to see him pull the shot off, Lu Bu asked if the generals would agree to cease hostilities if he did it, offering each his blessing to fight if he missed. Still in disbelief that anyone was that fucking good, the generals agreed to the terms and told Lu Bu to go right ahead and try.

With a wry smile Lu Bu then took aim at the ji and fired his arrow which sailed through the air and collided with the blade of the ji with a loud metallic clang. Stunned at Lu Bu’s archery prowess the two generals let out a hearty laugh, slapped him on the back and complimented him on being so fucking cool.

As promised the two generals ceased arguing immediately and withdrew all of their forces, though not before throwing a giant party during which everyone talked about how big Lu Bu’s arrow-penis was.

In another version of the story Lu Bu bet that he could shoot an arrow through a small inch wide gap prompting both men to immediately declare a ceasefire mid-battle because they were so curious to see if he could actually do it. As with the other version of the tale, Lu Bu somehow pulled the shot off, much to the shock of the warring generals who’d sworn on their honor to stop fighting if he actually did it. In each version of the tale though Lu Bu is generally credit with saving countless lives with a single arrow, a fact that only served to make stories about the size and girth of his wang all the more elaborate and popular.