The Russians don’t exactly have a stellar reputation when it comes to cheating and athletic competition with dozens of athletes being outright banned from competing under their nation’s flag over the years for doping. In an effort to crack down on this the World Anti Doping Agency (WADA) began conducting spot checks on Russian athletes, with hilarious results.
As an idea of how systemic doping is in Russian sports, literally thousands of Russian athletes have been accused of taking performance enhancing drugs in the last few years alone. In total Russia has had over 50 Olympic medals unceremoniously stripped from athletes just for doping, the most of any country on Earth and an amount that sounds like a lot even before you check the numbers and realise that, holy fuck-balls, that’s literally 4 times more than the country in second place.
Following the unearthing of a massive cover up that implicated the upper echelons of the Russian government including god-damn FSB, WADA decided to start keeping a closer eye on Russian athletes. A feat that’s kind of difficult considering how fucking fast some of those athletes can run, especially when they’re full of drugs. A secondary problem for WADA officials is that even when they performed “surprise” spot checks, Russian athletes still somehow found out about them.
For example, in 2016 WADA officials turned up to the Siberian Indoor Championships to test athletes for illegal substances. About 20 seconds after they turned up, 36 Russian athletes suddenly and without warning became deathly ill and reported that they had no choice but to drop out of the competition and leave immediately. In another case, WADA officials were left dumbfounded when they turned up to perform a spot check on an unnamed female Russian athlete and she responded by running straight out of the fucking stadium.
To be clear, this athlete was mid-way through a race when this happened and her response to seeing a WADA official on the finish line with a cup she had to piss in as soon as the race was over was to suddenly and without warning change direction and leave. People were in the stadium when this happened and the WADA official just stood there like an idiot as it happened. The best part of this story though is that the athlete got away with it because even though they couldn’t have looked more guilty if they’d been dressed as a giant syringe, the WADA official couldn’t find her so they were forced to abandon the test.
Other Russian athletes have attempted to avoid the tests by slinking away during the celebrations on the finish line and in one case, cramming a bottle of clean urine into their vagina. The latter ruse was discovered when the bottle fell out of the athlete’s vagina onto the floor, which, well, must have been embarrassing for everyone involved.
