Roman Nose and his magical bonnet of invincibility


Amongst the pantheon of famed Native American warriors, the legendary large-penised hero known as Roman Nose is amongst the best known. Famed for his ferocity in combat and fearlessness in the face of overwhelming odds, Roman Nose attributed his peerless dick-smashing skills to a magical war bonnet given to him by a medicine man. 

For anyone unfamiliar with what in the fuck a war bonnet is, it’s one of several names given to the ceremonial and impossibly pimp feathered headdresses commonly worn by prominent Native American elders, warriors and disco dancers.

In regards to Roman Nose’s war bonnet specifically it was noted as being an especially elaborate example of the headgear. Understandably given the large size of Roman Nose’s war bonnet, it was known to make him incredibly easy to spot on the battlefield. Something the warrior didn’t really give all that much of a shit about since he was apparently never once injured in combat save for that one time he died.

You see, according to legend Roman Nose’s war bonnet bestowed a number of magical protections upon him so long as he adhered to a number of unusual and seemingly arbitrary rules. Said rules included shaking hands like a white man and eating any food that had been prepared with or touched by cutlery made of iron. Roman Nose was told by the medicine man who made the war bonnet that so long as he never deviated from these rules he would be rendered invincible in combat and would be immune to the bullets of white men. Which worked out well for Roman Nose who spent basically his entire life kicking the asses of people who matched that description.

Of course the war bonnet wasn’t actually magical, but the idea that it was made Roman Nose incredibly brazen in battle which only served to fuel the mystique surrounding him. As an example of the kind of shit Roman Nose would do that earned him the admiration of both his friends and enemies, it’s noted that one of his favourite tactics in battle was to ride his gleaming white horse directly along the enemies flanks so that they’d waste their bullets trying to shoot him. Stuff like this eventually made white men assume that he led the entirety of the Native American people. In reality Roman Nose was never a chief of any tribe, though he was considered a leader to his people nonetheless.

Despite this being Roman Nose’s opening gambit in near enough every battle he took part in, neither he nor his horse were ever so much as grazed by a single bullet. This led to a saying amongst the various Native American tribes that were aware of just how big Roman Nose’s balls were that white men could only gaze at him, not aim at him. Essentially bragging that the only thing the enemy could really do was stand in awe of his skill and hope he didn’t backhand their head clean off. Roman Nose was also well known for doing a number of things specifically to piss the enemy off such as stealing their hats, pushing them over in battle and running away and stealing their horses from under them while specifically avoiding hurting them. All things that earned his kudos from his allies as they demonstrated both exceptional skill and bravery along with being hilarious.

Sadly the spell of vigilant protection apparently cast upon Roman Nose was unfortunately broken when, unbeknown to him, his breakfast just before a battle was touched with an iron fork. Upon discovering this Roman Nose was understandably hesitant to join the battle but did so at the behest of an elder observing who asked why he wasn’t, you know, styling on the enemy as hard as he normally did. Unwilling to look like a coward Roman Nose rushed into battle and was near immediately killed, likely much to the shock of everyone present who was used to seeing bullets curve around him like he was in a fucking Matrix movie.