The BBC claims to have TV detecting super-vans

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The BBC is responsible for some of the finest and most critically acclaimed programming ever produced, and that’s great. However, another thing the BBC is responsible for they tend to downplay is an absurd lie about the broadcaster somehow having access to special vans that can tell when you’re watching TV illegally. 

For non-British readers curious about how in the fuck one would watch TV illegally, in the UK any household with a television capable of receiving BBC broadcasts is required to pay something known as the TV License fee. Revenue collected using this fee is largely used fund the BBC, but is also used to maintain and upgrade critical infrastructure used to broadcast radio and television signals across the UK. The problem is, some people simply don’t want to pay this fee and legally speaking, there’s shit-all the BBC can do about it.

Because come on, what the fuck is a building going to do?

To be clear, while not paying for a TV license and watching live TV is illegal in the UK, the onus is on the BBC to prove it, which is kind of the problem. TV licence enforcement officers have no official powers meaning they can’t enter your home or force you to talk to them. This is if they can even get to you front-door in the first place because it’s actually possible to pre-emptively tell enforcement officers to fuck off by sending them a letter revoking their right of access to your home, meaning they can’t even get near your house if you don’t want them to.

This lack of any official power has resulted in the BBC instead attempting to coerce holdouts into paying the fee willingly by issuing vague threats and making fantastical claims about their ability to somehow know when you’re watching TV. Which brings us to TV detector vans.

In a nutshell the BBC claims that it possesses a fleet of vans armed with highly sophisticated technology capable of pin-pointing illegal TV watchers with unparalleled accuracy. Throughout the years the BBC has variously claimed that these vans can do everything from pin-point which room of the house the offending TV is being watched to being able see what channel you’re watching in real time. An bold fucking claim considering they’ve been saying this shit since the fucking 50’s.

Behold, the pinnacle of technological advancement.

The BBC has never adequately explained how the fuck the vans or the accompanying detecting software is supposed to work and have turned down multiple freedom of information requests about it. The broadcaster has long maintained that how the vans  work is a secret, going as far to claim that engineers develop the technology “in isolation” so that even they don’t fully understand how it works like they’re working on the next iPhone or some shit. As for how effective the technology supposedly is, one enforcement officer has been quoted as saying it can detect television use in a home with 97% confidence. Which, as other’s have helpfully pointed out, is an utterly meaningless statement without context or hard facts to back it up.

Despite never being able to demonstrate how the vans work, provide proof of their effectiveness or even cite a single case in which one has resulted in a conviction, the BBC continues to maintain that the vans not only work, but that hundreds of them secretly patrol the UK sniffing out illegal TV watchers. The BBC insists that these vans not only work, but that they possess the ability to see through the walls to homes and detect with near-perfect accuracy exactly what TV channels people are watching. A ballsy statement from an entity that remember, doesn’t even have the legal authority to knock on your door.